Discovering the disaster area Part 1

I had a fever all night and some difficulty breathing. I'm still sick and most of the time in bed.
For the last 6 weeks of my life I was prisoner in my bedroom to avoid an encounter with my husband. Even though he was the guilty party, he felt entitled to take out his frustrations out on me. He packed all my dishes and food, whatever he didn't eat himself, therefore I had nothing to eat. I took the opportunity one day when he was at work and sneaked food into my bedroom. We had an office mini fridge which was what saved me. I took a plate, a bowl, a spoon, a knife, a fork and a cup and locked them in my room with me. From that day forward I made sure that I was going to work and back into my room. I had my television and internet, because we have wireless in the house, and even when he didn't tell me I had to lock myself in my room, it was for the best of me and my dog. We were both safer that way. I placed a key lock in my door to be able to sleep. I was scared every night that he would barge into my bedroom and hurt one of us.

Sometimes I told myself, he said he would never hurt me, I'm ok. Then I remembered that he said that he would never lied to me and he did, that I had nothing to be afraid of him, and now I was. I allowed my house to be a disaster zone and turned a blind eye for my own sanity. I can't even say that my room was organized, because in it I have the boxes of things that I want to throw away. Some people have told me to do a garage sale. To tell the truth, I don't have the energy. Goodwill will have tons of fun. As I ventured out of my bedroom for the first time today, still shaken up from what has been going on, I can't believe I'm finally free. I admit that not only because I'm sick, but because I can't believe I have my house back that I did a little something and ran back into my bedroom.

As I walk around I saw all the mess he left behind. I see again the broken furniture, the dirty dishes. All I went to the kitchen to do was warm up a can of soup. It was too disgusting to do, so I started doing dishes. Something in my head told me that I should be angry for having to clean this mess. I don't think so. I am so relieved that he's gone and that this time when I cleaned it will stay cleaned that I did it with pleasure. My body didn't allow me to clear everything that needs to be done, even in the sink, but I was able to do enough to at least be able to warm my can of soup.

It's going to take weeks of throwing away, picking up and several Goodwill trips to get this back in order. It is ok. It will also take time and several weeks/months to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward into the adventure of my new life without him.

For a quick second this morning I worried if he had arrived safe at his destination. He hasn't call to say that he did. I had a nightmare that something had happened to him and felt tempted to call to verify that he was alright. I played in my computer procrastinating that phone call, enough to talk to my sponsor who reminded me that he's no longer my responsibility. I'm glad I didn't call. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm still thinking about him or give him the remote thought that I want him back. God knows I don't.

I have not read the bible or prayed in two days. I feel bad about it. It's mostly because I've been in bed sick, but I've made the commitment to start tonight. I'm very grateful to the Lord for keeping me safe from this ordeal and I don't want to not pay attention to the affairs of my Father.

Tomorrow I'll venture into what was his room for these six week. Hopefully nothing jumps out of the covers LOL!

The New Journey

 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A journey back to basics has a total new meaning for me. I still have dreams of being debt free and losing weight and live a healthy lifestyle, but the circumstances of my life have change.

Here I am at the bottom of my life: broken. I'm broken physically, because I’m currently sick. I'm broken emotionally, because I’m heartbroken after losing my husband and being in the middle of a divorce. Broken financially, because my debt has not been cleared but my income had decreased. Broken spiritually in front of my Creator who is the only that can put back the pieces of my broken life.

This will be a true journey of coming out of the ashes and becoming whole. I know this blog has been abandoned, but now that has a different purpose and that now I have more time in my hands I will be able to show the reconstruction that my life will bring. Even my house is broken. I walked around today and it looks like a disaster zone. Even the locksmith that came to change the locks last night thought that I had just moved in. My soon to be ex had packed half of the house to take it with him, but at plans changed, now I have a wreck of boxes half way packed, walls damaged by nights of anger, broken furniture that witness my darkness nights and dirty dishes from his last week of meals.

I’m coming out naked. I will take pictures of everything and post them. I don’t have anything to hide, but more than for my reader’s amusements, I want to able to look back and see where I came from. See the before and after pictures of God’s work in my life and my efforts to make it all new.

Last night I closed a book in my life, the books of sorrows and wills. I want God’s will for me; I know his ways will always be better than my ways. Allow these to be the pages that allow the story of this new book, it will be the book of restoration, the book of real love, the book of Hope!

Leap of Faith

Since my husband lost his job we had to stop his treatment because we just couldn’t afford it. That was a bad decision on our part as the truth has been that we can’t afford for him to not be ok. In a leap of faith I made an appointment for him today and we went this morning. We have a different doctor, and after this first session I really don’t regret it, he doesn’t either.

I have contacted a financial advisor to work on my budget. I need to tighten up even more if he’s going to continue treatment. He gave me good and bad news. The good news is that he thinks I’m managing everything great and as lean as possible. The bad news, we don’t qualify for any assistance due to my income, so the only thing we can do at this point is keep praying for my husband to obtain employment.

My immediate plan is to reduce our cable subscription to basic as I have a contract and I’m unable to cancel. Thanks to hulu.com we will not miss any of our shows. The financial advisor also advised that I call my credit card company; he thinks I’m paying way too much on a monthly payment for what we currently owe.

On the health front, the hubby has been taking advantage of his gym membership subscription, which is attached to a contract. I started working out again yesterday after the kick off from the hashing. For day one I did a two mile walk. I weighed myself this morning and I had gained 4 pounds. That’s fine; they will be coming right off as soon as soon as I get on gear.

I know that everything is going to be alright. I know God is behind us, not only as our provider but also teaching us how to live. It was my desire when I started this journey to live a simple uncomplicated life for multiple reasons; financially, spiritually and health. God is just helping us keep our word that we’re going to make this journey happen as we trust in his provision and in what’s truly important in life.

Back on my feet

Sometime I just forget to write, not because I don’t have anything to write about, just because there’s so much going on that I sulk in myself instead of pouring out all those things I want to share.

The finance journey is at a halt. My husband lost his job two months ago and has not been able to find a new one. I think in a way, this has truly been a back to basics journey. I’ve had to deal with health issues without money and depending on what my mother, grandmother and Mother Nature could provide for me. Yes it took longer than what the pharmaceuticals could provide, but I think I came up stronger. Even though our relationship is always a challenge, I have to admit that it A LOT better, more peaceful and harmonious, and that feels good.

This has taught us to be creative about not financial freedom, but budgeting. It makes you think twice about what you really need when you don’t have it to waste. For some this would be a calamity. I feel like I’m just back in school, learning how to live.

At this point, I’ve lost 25 pounds. The reality is I could have lost more if I would have been more dedicated and if I didn’t have had that 6 week hiatus of workouts due to my health. It was a gloomy period on my life and I feel now that I’m coming out of the shadows and that I’m coming out strong.

We returned to our old church and it has also been a return to God. It has meant regrouping our spiritual feeding and re-evaluating what we’re doing with our times and resources in this short span of life given. We have not moved much yet in any direction, but again, I think we’re on the right path.

I don’t even know if anyone is reading this blog, I just hope that God places it in the way of anyone who’s discourage and think that they’re alone battling life and know that they’re not. That one step at a time everything can be conquered.