Finding Love

Part of my journey back to basics includes, going back to myself. A self that if I think about it I never had, but I recognize I was supposed to have as a human being. I was born with a purpose and I know that I saw it for a minute, but then I lost it. I was chasing the wrong things and by the time I realized it, I was too far gone.

I’ve never loved myself. I was watching Oprah last night on my computer and she said “it’s not an issue of weight; it’s an issue of love”. She’s absolutely right, the question is do you love yourself enough to take care of yourself. Since I’ve never loved myself before, this is a journey to find that love in me. I use to tell people that you can’t give what you don’t have and right now, I’ve been giving empty love.

Part of this journey has been returning to my spiritual path. I was going for two years, but didn’t join their membership. In December, in a knee jerk reaction my husband spoke for both of us and we joined a small church that we went to visit. Although I have expressed a lot of resistance to that quick decision, in my heart of hearts I know that it was the right decision. We are able to interact with others at a more personal level. My husband feels better, more supported, more committed. Even when I have not joined any committees or groups I feel at home. Now I have to work on my prayer life.

Physically I’ve been doing well. I’m scared that some curve will throw me out of my streak. I’ve been working out 3-4 times a week. I’ve gotten organized with my meals and have been cooking healthy meals on Sunday and then all I have to do is reheat for the rest of the week. Tiredness and stress are no longer an excuse to overeat. I have eliminated alcohol drinking, not that I was an habitual drinker, but I have to admit that whenever I had a stressful day, my first thought was to that glass of wine at home. Not anymore, if I have a special occasion where I wanted to have a drink I will, but I refuse to treat my body like that. Exercise has helped me deal with my stress levels better. My joke is that it’s not due to exercise making me feel better, but because I’m too tired to care about petty things

I keep reminding myself that this is a journey and not a sprint. It’s scary because I’ve had similar goals before and I’ve failed. I think the difference in my commitment is simply that I am better equipped and that I have made the decision to do this for ME.