Discovering the disaster area Part 1

I had a fever all night and some difficulty breathing. I'm still sick and most of the time in bed.
For the last 6 weeks of my life I was prisoner in my bedroom to avoid an encounter with my husband. Even though he was the guilty party, he felt entitled to take out his frustrations out on me. He packed all my dishes and food, whatever he didn't eat himself, therefore I had nothing to eat. I took the opportunity one day when he was at work and sneaked food into my bedroom. We had an office mini fridge which was what saved me. I took a plate, a bowl, a spoon, a knife, a fork and a cup and locked them in my room with me. From that day forward I made sure that I was going to work and back into my room. I had my television and internet, because we have wireless in the house, and even when he didn't tell me I had to lock myself in my room, it was for the best of me and my dog. We were both safer that way. I placed a key lock in my door to be able to sleep. I was scared every night that he would barge into my bedroom and hurt one of us.

Sometimes I told myself, he said he would never hurt me, I'm ok. Then I remembered that he said that he would never lied to me and he did, that I had nothing to be afraid of him, and now I was. I allowed my house to be a disaster zone and turned a blind eye for my own sanity. I can't even say that my room was organized, because in it I have the boxes of things that I want to throw away. Some people have told me to do a garage sale. To tell the truth, I don't have the energy. Goodwill will have tons of fun. As I ventured out of my bedroom for the first time today, still shaken up from what has been going on, I can't believe I'm finally free. I admit that not only because I'm sick, but because I can't believe I have my house back that I did a little something and ran back into my bedroom.

As I walk around I saw all the mess he left behind. I see again the broken furniture, the dirty dishes. All I went to the kitchen to do was warm up a can of soup. It was too disgusting to do, so I started doing dishes. Something in my head told me that I should be angry for having to clean this mess. I don't think so. I am so relieved that he's gone and that this time when I cleaned it will stay cleaned that I did it with pleasure. My body didn't allow me to clear everything that needs to be done, even in the sink, but I was able to do enough to at least be able to warm my can of soup.

It's going to take weeks of throwing away, picking up and several Goodwill trips to get this back in order. It is ok. It will also take time and several weeks/months to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward into the adventure of my new life without him.

For a quick second this morning I worried if he had arrived safe at his destination. He hasn't call to say that he did. I had a nightmare that something had happened to him and felt tempted to call to verify that he was alright. I played in my computer procrastinating that phone call, enough to talk to my sponsor who reminded me that he's no longer my responsibility. I'm glad I didn't call. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm still thinking about him or give him the remote thought that I want him back. God knows I don't.

I have not read the bible or prayed in two days. I feel bad about it. It's mostly because I've been in bed sick, but I've made the commitment to start tonight. I'm very grateful to the Lord for keeping me safe from this ordeal and I don't want to not pay attention to the affairs of my Father.

Tomorrow I'll venture into what was his room for these six week. Hopefully nothing jumps out of the covers LOL!

The New Journey

 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A journey back to basics has a total new meaning for me. I still have dreams of being debt free and losing weight and live a healthy lifestyle, but the circumstances of my life have change.

Here I am at the bottom of my life: broken. I'm broken physically, because I’m currently sick. I'm broken emotionally, because I’m heartbroken after losing my husband and being in the middle of a divorce. Broken financially, because my debt has not been cleared but my income had decreased. Broken spiritually in front of my Creator who is the only that can put back the pieces of my broken life.

This will be a true journey of coming out of the ashes and becoming whole. I know this blog has been abandoned, but now that has a different purpose and that now I have more time in my hands I will be able to show the reconstruction that my life will bring. Even my house is broken. I walked around today and it looks like a disaster zone. Even the locksmith that came to change the locks last night thought that I had just moved in. My soon to be ex had packed half of the house to take it with him, but at plans changed, now I have a wreck of boxes half way packed, walls damaged by nights of anger, broken furniture that witness my darkness nights and dirty dishes from his last week of meals.

I’m coming out naked. I will take pictures of everything and post them. I don’t have anything to hide, but more than for my reader’s amusements, I want to able to look back and see where I came from. See the before and after pictures of God’s work in my life and my efforts to make it all new.

Last night I closed a book in my life, the books of sorrows and wills. I want God’s will for me; I know his ways will always be better than my ways. Allow these to be the pages that allow the story of this new book, it will be the book of restoration, the book of real love, the book of Hope!

The Real Journey

After writing a novel, I'm still kind of poetic, so bear with me.
At the end of this year I have come to realize that most of the goals I had set myself for this year have been out the window. The only one that I have truly achieve is the renewal of my relationship with God and that's the only one that matters.
Live has thrown me some curves that were not anticipated,but now under the covering of the Father there's no fear, everything will be alright.

This year has also brought new aspects of my life. I have published my first short story and just finished with intentions of publications a novel in 30 days... OMG, and what 30 days those were.
I think that this was one of those back to basic things that was not on my list but was deperately needed, get the writer out of me and be able to pour my soul, that's what I was born to do.

In retrospective, I may have not been able to scratch of my list most of the things that were there and I have to even shamefully admit that some of the things that I had progressed on, now I have regressed, but isn't that what life is all about anyway? It's a journey!

I don't regret any moment of this year, any pain, any smile, any sleepless night, any tear, or every pound that came back...lol I think I'm finally waking up to the realization that it's live and I'm just living it.
Everyone enjoy your holidays, and remember that the simpler things in life are those that are free!
God bless you!!

Blessings and Crazies

This has been a very eventful week so far. Let me start with Saturday. My husband and I met at church, during our courtship we decided to change churches. We started attending Victory World Church, but we decided not to join right away. During the last three years we’ve been regularly attending there, but giving ourselves the chance to pray and visit other churches. After a lot of praying and thinking we decided to finally join the VWC family. Our membership class was great; the next step will be to join their small groups. We’re very excited about this.

After membership class we went to hubby’s godmother’s house. While there, one of his jobs leads call that they needed some documents for his application. We drove by; he took a test and passed with flying colors. The manager told him that she would call him Monday or Tuesday with a response.

Tuesday night I arrive at the house and our toilet in the master bedroom is clogged. Hubby tries to unclog it and it overflows with water all over the bathroom and parts of our bedroom. We don’t know what to do, we go to the first floor and now we see the ceiling in our living room leaking. We called a plumber and they came almost at 11 o’clock. Who knew that plumbers worked that late? $150 later it was all fixed…now it was cleaning time.

Wednesday afternoon my husband received a call from the manager, He’s been hired!!!!!
and would start the next morning. My husband decides to celebrate by going to the basketball court and shoot some hoops. He calls me to pick him up on my way home. He sends me a text message that I didn’t read until later, I wish I had…letting me know that he had experimented with a new haircut. As I’m driving into the park and talking to my husband on my cell phone, he tells me that he’s no longer at the court but waiting for me at the building across the street. I see this man with a Mohawk; it can not be my husband. I tell him, “tell me you’re not the one with the Mohawk” he said, “oh crap”. I have to admit that I overreacted. Yes, it didn’t look good on him, but I didn’t need to make a scene out of it. All I could think of was that he was going to look like a red Mr. T on his first day of work. Needless to say, he fixed it and he looks like my handsome husband again. I did ask him what possessed him to do this. He said he was trying something different and that until I parked him in front of the mirror he didn’t realize how bad it looked. This is the new hair cut.

He forgot to tell me that he needed a button up white shirt, which he doesn’t have, for his first day. We had to get up early and go to Wally World and get it. At the register, I’m so tired and confused that I couldn’t find my debit card. He got frustrated with me and said, “This is ridiculous that you can’t find your debit card”. I think my eyes told him everything my mouth didn’t. I finally told him that it was unfair for him to get frustrated, coming from the person who rarely knows where his head is at.

This week is not over. I have company coming over this weekend, so this shall be pretty interesting between entertaining, dealing with his new job and shifts and handling everything else. My visitor leaves on Tuesday and I’ve asked for Wednesday off to rest. Knowing my luck, my husband will have to work that day and I will have to get up very early to take him to work. Such is life!

Disclaimer: took all the pictures from the internet, none of them are mine. if you need to be credited just page me in the comments.

Leap of Faith

Since my husband lost his job we had to stop his treatment because we just couldn’t afford it. That was a bad decision on our part as the truth has been that we can’t afford for him to not be ok. In a leap of faith I made an appointment for him today and we went this morning. We have a different doctor, and after this first session I really don’t regret it, he doesn’t either.

I have contacted a financial advisor to work on my budget. I need to tighten up even more if he’s going to continue treatment. He gave me good and bad news. The good news is that he thinks I’m managing everything great and as lean as possible. The bad news, we don’t qualify for any assistance due to my income, so the only thing we can do at this point is keep praying for my husband to obtain employment.

My immediate plan is to reduce our cable subscription to basic as I have a contract and I’m unable to cancel. Thanks to hulu.com we will not miss any of our shows. The financial advisor also advised that I call my credit card company; he thinks I’m paying way too much on a monthly payment for what we currently owe.

On the health front, the hubby has been taking advantage of his gym membership subscription, which is attached to a contract. I started working out again yesterday after the kick off from the hashing. For day one I did a two mile walk. I weighed myself this morning and I had gained 4 pounds. That’s fine; they will be coming right off as soon as soon as I get on gear.

I know that everything is going to be alright. I know God is behind us, not only as our provider but also teaching us how to live. It was my desire when I started this journey to live a simple uncomplicated life for multiple reasons; financially, spiritually and health. God is just helping us keep our word that we’re going to make this journey happen as we trust in his provision and in what’s truly important in life.

Not a virgin anymore!

When was the last time I heard that. This doesn’t relate to a sexual experience, but about what we did this weekend. For the first time in my life I went hashing. What is hashing? Is a group of people who like beer and exercise and they sort of combine both in an activity form. They lay a route through an unmarked trail. Yes, the middle of the woods type thing. It’s not a competition, as I thought it was, it just a matter of making it…the price at the end…beer.

There were a few flaws in this experience for me. I love the outdoors and adventure, so does the husband, who had a blast. This was somewhat more extreme. As a “virgin”, as they call the newbies, I was not prepared enough to endure what was about to happen.

Mistakes:
1. I had the competition mindset.
I sent my husband at the front because I know I’m way slower than him, so I figured I could do it at my pace, but I didn’t want to be the last one back. I have been working out since December, and even in a somewhat hilly park, I’ve been able to walk/jog for two miles. This trail was supposed to be four miles. Given the fact that I had walked 6 miles around Stone Mountain and the previous factor I figured I would be fine. Wrong!

First of all I started running. This was in the middle of the woods, meaning, it was hills, valleys, mountains and between trees. Five minutes running, my heart and lungs advised me how stupid was to start this as a race. I saw everyone take off running, so I did the same…not smart.

2. Not being prepared
I have asthma. My inhaler was in my backpack. My backpack was in the truck that would be waiting for us at the end. After the first five minutes I started feeling short winded, my body never caught up with me. I kept pushing down the road until I felt dizzy. I had to make several stops to catch up my breath and make sure I was not going to pass out. I prayed, I prayed A LOT!

I had no water with me. I had some leaving the start line, so I figured I would be ok for four miles. Again, wrong! After the initial part, there were no trees; it was just hills, valleys; up and down two mountains in the open. It was very hot, 105 degrees if you ask me. I got overheated dehydrated and yes, in the middle of an asthma attack… I was having too much fun.

At one of my stops, a lady ran next to me. By the Grace of God she happened to be a nurse. She’s a regular hasher, so she knew everyone in the group. She ran towards the crowd and found someone (smarter than me) who she knew was asthmatic and brought back an inhaler. Another lady, in her sixties and a retired nurse, was walking behind me and because of my stops caught up with me. She had some water and helped me out. These two angels stayed with me for the rest of the trail. I had made it so far into the route that there was no point in turning back; it would have been just as bad. The older lady called the Hares (leaders of the hashing) and told them what was going on. They gave them an alternate route to get me back to the camp quicker. The original trail included crossing a swamp, so they tried to keep me away from the water. I don’t know if my route ended up being worse as it included an extra mountain, but I made it.

At the end of the second mountain, another hasher found us and came with a second inhaler. They didn’t know I had already been assisted in that area. He brought ice cold water. Thank you Jesus! I drank some and pour some over my head, face and chest. It felt like living again. I asked him to not alert my husband that I was having trouble. He said he already knew. Oh crap! was the first thing that came to my head. I was feeling better and didn’t want to worry him.

The after party
Once you make it in, and after my husband gave me a hundred kisses…lol, they feed you snacks and beer. They sing songs and nominate people for awards and punishments…but not real punishments, it’s all about the beer.

While I was a medical emergency to them, my husband was a hero. A seasoned female hasher got stuck in the swamp and the other gentlemen were unable to get her out. My handsome hunk of a husband was able to get her out. She and her husband could not say enough to thank him. She too thought she was going to die. My response to them was that it was all fair game. God placed some people to help me and had placed my husband there to help her.

Will I do it again? The jury is still out. The hubby and I have been talking about it all weekend and we both agree in what the pros and cons are.

Pros

• We both love the outdoors
• Neither of us is scared of extreme experiences. ( I’d be more prepared next time I promise)
• We had fun. Yes there were some scary stuff, but it was tons of fun
• The people there were adorable, very caring and fun. We really liked them

Cons

• The language- I’m not a purist by any means, but this was way more that I could handle. Even my husband who is more used to it than me found it too extreme for him. Let me paint a picture here, if the after party was televised, there would be no audio, it would all be bleeped, so you could not hear a thing.
• Names- Somewhat continuing the prior topic. You don’t use your name, after your fifth hash the group gives you a hashing name. Well the name is based on things that you’ve done wrong or said which is ok…The turn off part is that your name is related to a body part, sexual act or cuss words (all of them, if you can think of it it’s included, all in slang of course, if you’re disgusted by it, it was included too) Their songs have the same content as well. So neither of us wants to be named after one of our reproductive organs or any one of our private marital activities. Again, not a purist, but it was a little bit too much for my taste.
• Beer- It’s just not my alcoholic drink of choice. I don’t like the taste of beer and their activities revolve around beer. They call themselves “a group of beer drinkers with a running problem”, if you catch the drift.
  
  I tried to look online to see if there were other groups with similar activities that didn’t include the beer and had other formats and couldn’t find one. I had not worked out in a couple of months and this was a great kick off. It really kicked me off...LOL. So yes we had tons of fun, enjoyed ourselves, but the jury is still out if this is ever happening again in this setting.
  

Back on my feet

Sometime I just forget to write, not because I don’t have anything to write about, just because there’s so much going on that I sulk in myself instead of pouring out all those things I want to share.

The finance journey is at a halt. My husband lost his job two months ago and has not been able to find a new one. I think in a way, this has truly been a back to basics journey. I’ve had to deal with health issues without money and depending on what my mother, grandmother and Mother Nature could provide for me. Yes it took longer than what the pharmaceuticals could provide, but I think I came up stronger. Even though our relationship is always a challenge, I have to admit that it A LOT better, more peaceful and harmonious, and that feels good.

This has taught us to be creative about not financial freedom, but budgeting. It makes you think twice about what you really need when you don’t have it to waste. For some this would be a calamity. I feel like I’m just back in school, learning how to live.

At this point, I’ve lost 25 pounds. The reality is I could have lost more if I would have been more dedicated and if I didn’t have had that 6 week hiatus of workouts due to my health. It was a gloomy period on my life and I feel now that I’m coming out of the shadows and that I’m coming out strong.

We returned to our old church and it has also been a return to God. It has meant regrouping our spiritual feeding and re-evaluating what we’re doing with our times and resources in this short span of life given. We have not moved much yet in any direction, but again, I think we’re on the right path.

I don’t even know if anyone is reading this blog, I just hope that God places it in the way of anyone who’s discourage and think that they’re alone battling life and know that they’re not. That one step at a time everything can be conquered.