For the last 6 weeks of my life I was prisoner in my bedroom to avoid an encounter with my husband. Even though he was the guilty party, he felt entitled to take out his frustrations out on me. He packed all my dishes and food, whatever he didn't eat himself, therefore I had nothing to eat. I took the opportunity one day when he was at work and sneaked food into my bedroom. We had an office mini fridge which was what saved me. I took a plate, a bowl, a spoon, a knife, a fork and a cup and locked them in my room with me. From that day forward I made sure that I was going to work and back into my room. I had my television and internet, because we have wireless in the house, and even when he didn't tell me I had to lock myself in my room, it was for the best of me and my dog. We were both safer that way. I placed a key lock in my door to be able to sleep. I was scared every night that he would barge into my bedroom and hurt one of us.
Sometimes I told myself, he said he would never hurt me, I'm ok. Then I remembered that he said that he would never lied to me and he did, that I had nothing to be afraid of him, and now I was. I allowed my house to be a disaster zone and turned a blind eye for my own sanity. I can't even say that my room was organized, because in it I have the boxes of things that I want to throw away. Some people have told me to do a garage sale. To tell the truth, I don't have the energy. Goodwill will have tons of fun. As I ventured out of my bedroom for the first time today, still shaken up from what has been going on, I can't believe I'm finally free. I admit that not only because I'm sick, but because I can't believe I have my house back that I did a little something and ran back into my bedroom. 
As I walk around I saw all the mess he left behind. I see again the broken furniture, the dirty dishes. All I went to the kitchen to do was warm up a can of soup. It was too disgusting to do, so I started doing dishes. Something in my head told me that I should be angry for having to clean this mess. I don't think so. I am so relieved that he's gone and that this time when I cleaned it will stay cleaned that I did it with pleasure. My body didn't allow me to clear everything that needs to be done, even in the sink, but I was able to do enough to at least be able to warm my can of soup.
It's going to take weeks of throwing away, picking up and several Goodwill trips to get this back in order. It is ok. It will also take time and several weeks/months to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward into the adventure of my new life without him.
For a quick second this morning I worried if he had arrived safe at his destination. He hasn't call to say that he did. I had a nightmare that something had happened to him and felt tempted to call to verify that he was alright. I played in my computer procrastinating that phone call, enough to talk to my sponsor who reminded me that he's no longer my responsibility. I'm glad I didn't call. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm still thinking about him or give him the remote thought that I want him back. God knows I don't. I have not read the bible or prayed in two days. I feel bad about it. It's mostly because I've been in bed sick, but I've made the commitment to start tonight. I'm very grateful to the Lord for keeping me safe from this ordeal and I don't want to not pay attention to the affairs of my Father.
Tomorrow I'll venture into what was his room for these six week. Hopefully nothing jumps out of the covers LOL!
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